Dispelling Fears
Many fears arise at the thought of adopting a child with special needs, as the task just seems too daunting. But if someone were to observe our day-to-day lives, they would see that any additional care required for a special needs child – perhaps feeding tubes or medicines – becomes a part of your daily routine just like caring for any child. The fears and worries are no different from bringing home your first newborn child – you worry you don’t know what you are doing or how to care for the baby – but then you figure it out and it all comes together. On the outside looking in, it may look intimidating and some people may feel the disability the child has is too severe. That just breaks my heart, because when it’s your own child, just as when I look at Nolan, you do not see them as severe. Our days are easy because we are a family and we do what it takes to take care of each other, just like all families.
That’s not to say we do not have our challenges. When we first brought Nolan home he connected with us right away, but it took time for Francis to bond with Troy. Francis did not have much contact with male caregivers, so he had a hard time trusting Troy and he really knew how to test his limits. So we changed our parenting roles - I became the stern one and Troy would say yes to basically everything so they could connect, and it worked. The language barrier was also a challenge with Francis, as he came to us a bit older and he would instantly get frustrated when we could not understand him. With autism his brain functions in different and at times unexpected ways, so we found hugging it out with him is the best way to help him through the difficult times.
Hugging it out may seem like a small thing, but not so for autistic children who typically do not like and often resist touch. For Francis to not only accept our embrace but also to be comforted by it is a miracle in itself. Generally, adoptive children have a hard time accepting love as many come from hard circumstances. This was not the case with Nolan and Francis as their ability to know love and accept love is largely thanks to the love they were shown and had received at WeeCare. And as such their transition from Mother’s Choice to our home was made a lot smoother as they readily accepted our love.
We also need to give thanks to the tremendous amount of support we have received from our church and our families. Our pastor’s wife has really connected with Nolan and Francis, she understands the challenges and knows how to take care of them. As such, Troy and I drop off the boys with her when we are at church on Saturday nights and it has become like a date night. That couple of hours, one day a week, means a lot to us. We have also relied on family support, especially when both boys needed surgery which required Troy and I to be at different hospitals at the same time. Teamwork and family support saw us through those times.
One thing we discovered is that there is a lot of government support for children with special needs. With this assistance we have hired a nurse who comes to our home and accompanies Nolan at school to ensure he takes his medications and that the environment is safe during the day. I think it is important for people to know that assistance is out there because when both parents are working and you are dealing with complex needs, having that extra support just makes the day to day so much more manageable.
